I took several weeks off writing regularly. It's not good for my soul, but I did it anyway. Like when you quit going to the gym, and then you realize you're miserable and sluggish, but then you make lots of excuses about not having enough energy or not wanting to go. It gets really whiny and irritating. It was exactly like that.
Today I wrote for a few minutes and it all bubbled back, the honesty, the simplicity, the truth of how I feel and who God is. I found him. I found me. Aaahhh.
It was easy, once the words started flowing, to realize where I am, the raw goodness of this place. Simply taking the time to actually say what is happening in my life – just the facts of right now, out loud or on paper – stirs up gratitude.
On any given day, there are a million frustrations, but they are tiny. And they feel smaller after a nap. When I zoom out and look at the big picture, at the past week or month, I can see the movement. I can see the goodness of God and the comfort that he hasn’t let me go, even though I am still so tired and desperately unaware of my need for him.
I’m disappointed that I do not spend more time in prayer, the kind that results in change. Or simply the kind that results in me knowing what to do with my life. When I do pray, when I really listen, things happen.
I forget though. I try to do things on my own and get frustrated. The noise still silences The Great Whisperer, who refuses to shout over the din of everyone else.
But I love that about God. He muses calmly and confidently, “No, I’m not playing the shouting game. I will not compete with the idols for your attention. I will not jump into the anxiety arena and stress you out with my voice."
"No, you have to be quiet first. You have to come to me, like a child, simply, almost silently. It’s good for you to do it. When you’re quiet, you remember you do not have to impress me. You remember that I am not just another idol demanding your time, shouting for your attention. You remember that I’m the place you leave the stress and where you find your peace."
"You have to get quiet to hear me, but I don’t feel bad about that at all. I know that's exactly what you need."
|[Photo credit: www.stillwatermpc.org]|